Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes did NOT get legally married in Italy

Despite what you may have heard from every news outlet, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes did NOT get legally married in Italy:

A spokesman for the Church of Scientology for Rome, Fabrizio D’Agostino, said an exchange of vows with a Scientology rite was not legally recognized in Italy, and would have to be preceded or followed by a civil union. Bracciano Mayor Patrizia Riccioni said her office had not received a request to celebrate a civil wedding as of midday Friday.

While frantically waving an aluminum foil space shield above his head, another spokesman for the Church of Scientology stated:

“As is customary for couples marrying outside of the United States, Cruise and Holmes officialized their marriage in Los Angeles prior to their departure for Italy.”

What does he mean by “outside” of the United States? Correct me if I’m wrong, but there’s no possible way a Scientology wedding is recognized “inside” of the United States either, right? It’d be like me starting a religion called Felinetology where everyone marries their cat. Something tells me the IRS isn’t going to let Mittens and I file our taxes jointly (she always gets screwed by those damn capital gains taxes). Why would Scientology be any different?

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