Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Jessica Simpson sex tape?

Jessica Simpson is worried that a sex tape between her and ex-husband Nick Lachey will be leaked onto the Internet. The X-rated home movie allegedly includes Lachey and Simpson in a “number of sex acts.” An anonymous source told Britain’s Daily Sport newspaper:

“Jessica is horrified her name and sex tape are being mentioned in the same sentence. She’s always been a girl of high morals and principles.” According to reports the tape does exist and has fallen into the hands of the individuals responsible for leaking the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee sex video. It has been claimed that they are threatening to leak the tape if Jessica does not pay an undisclosed sum of money to keep it out of the public domain.

Sweet baby Jesus I hope these rumors are true. A Jessica Simpson sex tape would make my year–not because I’m attracted to her (at least not since she took up ice cream as a hobby)–but because I’ve always wanted to see what’s it like when a woman confuses a penis for a telephone.

Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting a divorce

Pamela Anderson’s representative has confirmed that her client filed for divorce last week from Kid Rock (aka Bob Ritchie), but would not comment on why Pam chose to end the brief three month marriage (with those crazy kids, it really did feel like four months). Kid Rock’s publicist didn’t immediately return messages left by The Associated Press on Monday:

The relationship between Anderson, 39, and Ritchie, 35, has been a turbulent one since they became engaged in 2002. They broke up the following year, but later reunited and this summer embarked on a tour of wedding ceremonies. They were wed in late July near St. Tropez, France, and again at a courthouse in Beverly Hills, Calif., on Aug. 3. They tied the knot a third time in an Aug. 17 ceremony in Nashville, Tenn.

“Yes, it’s true,” Anderson wrote in a brief statement on her Web site. “Unfortunately impossible.”

What the hell does “unfortunately impossible” even mean? It sounds like the type of answer I’d give to someone asking what are the chances of sleeping with Pamela Anderson and not catching hepatitis. God help us if Pam follows Brittany’s lead and starts hanging out with Paris Hilton. I believe the Japanese would refer to the three collectively as “Whorezilla.”

I’m sure Pam’s late night habit of letting men photograph her naked had nothing to do with the divorce. That was sarcasm by the way.

Kevin Federline thinks he’s one of America’s most hated men

Kevin Federline thinks he’s one of America’s most hated men. The wannabe rapper made the claim during a performance at Hollywood’s House of Blues on Wednesday night.

A packed house turned out to see a resilient Federline perform tracks from his debut album Playing With Fire. After lashing out at his detractors - shouting from the stage, “F**k the haters, f**k the media, f**k the paparazzi,” K-Fed, adapted lyrics to one of his songs; when a member of his entourage asked onstage, “Why does America hate you?” he replied, “Maybe because I took their Queen. I am America’s most hated.”

I don’t know what surprises me more about this story. The fact that K-Fed managed to construct a complete sentence—without aid of a dictionary—or that he played in front of a “packed house.” I’ll give the slight edge to him actually playing in front of people.

I’ll tell you another thing that surprises me: kittens. Just when you think they can’t possibly get any cuter, they get themselves trapped in your laundry hamper.