Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Jessica Simpson sex tape?

Jessica Simpson is worried that a sex tape between her and ex-husband Nick Lachey will be leaked onto the Internet. The X-rated home movie allegedly includes Lachey and Simpson in a “number of sex acts.” An anonymous source told Britain’s Daily Sport newspaper:

“Jessica is horrified her name and sex tape are being mentioned in the same sentence. She’s always been a girl of high morals and principles.” According to reports the tape does exist and has fallen into the hands of the individuals responsible for leaking the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee sex video. It has been claimed that they are threatening to leak the tape if Jessica does not pay an undisclosed sum of money to keep it out of the public domain.

Sweet baby Jesus I hope these rumors are true. A Jessica Simpson sex tape would make my year–not because I’m attracted to her (at least not since she took up ice cream as a hobby)–but because I’ve always wanted to see what’s it like when a woman confuses a penis for a telephone.

Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting a divorce

Pamela Anderson’s representative has confirmed that her client filed for divorce last week from Kid Rock (aka Bob Ritchie), but would not comment on why Pam chose to end the brief three month marriage (with those crazy kids, it really did feel like four months). Kid Rock’s publicist didn’t immediately return messages left by The Associated Press on Monday:

The relationship between Anderson, 39, and Ritchie, 35, has been a turbulent one since they became engaged in 2002. They broke up the following year, but later reunited and this summer embarked on a tour of wedding ceremonies. They were wed in late July near St. Tropez, France, and again at a courthouse in Beverly Hills, Calif., on Aug. 3. They tied the knot a third time in an Aug. 17 ceremony in Nashville, Tenn.

“Yes, it’s true,” Anderson wrote in a brief statement on her Web site. “Unfortunately impossible.”

What the hell does “unfortunately impossible” even mean? It sounds like the type of answer I’d give to someone asking what are the chances of sleeping with Pamela Anderson and not catching hepatitis. God help us if Pam follows Brittany’s lead and starts hanging out with Paris Hilton. I believe the Japanese would refer to the three collectively as “Whorezilla.”

I’m sure Pam’s late night habit of letting men photograph her naked had nothing to do with the divorce. That was sarcasm by the way.

Kevin Federline thinks he’s one of America’s most hated men



Kevin Federline thinks he’s one of America’s most hated men. The wannabe rapper made the claim during a performance at Hollywood’s House of Blues on Wednesday night.

A packed house turned out to see a resilient Federline perform tracks from his debut album Playing With Fire. After lashing out at his detractors - shouting from the stage, “F**k the haters, f**k the media, f**k the paparazzi,” K-Fed, adapted lyrics to one of his songs; when a member of his entourage asked onstage, “Why does America hate you?” he replied, “Maybe because I took their Queen. I am America’s most hated.”

I don’t know what surprises me more about this story. The fact that K-Fed managed to construct a complete sentence—without aid of a dictionary—or that he played in front of a “packed house.” I’ll give the slight edge to him actually playing in front of people.

I’ll tell you another thing that surprises me: kittens. Just when you think they can’t possibly get any cuter, they get themselves trapped in your laundry hamper.

Smith claimed he could solve a Rubik’s Cube in less than two minutes

On her show promoting his new movie “The Pursuit of Happyness,” Will Smith left friend Oprah Winfrey speechless after he solved a Rubik’s Cube puzzle right in front of her. After Smith claimed he could solve a Rubik’s Cube in less than two minutes, Oprah challenged him to prove it.

As Winfrey cut to commercials, Smith feverishly clicked away and had solved the colorful puzzle when the show returned after the break, leaving the host stunned and impressed.

Two minutes to solve a Rubik’s Cube? Big deal. One time I got three Jeopardy questions right IN A ROW. One after another, I was in the zone that night my friends. You should have seen it. And don’t try to sully my accomplishment just because it was Kid’s Jeopardy and the category was ‘Things that Rhyme with Hay’. Haters

Lindsay and Paris and fighting again. Or maybe not


I don’t even know where to begin with the latest Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton fight so I’ll just let Lindsay describe it in her own words:

“This is a video that Paris Hilton - and I’m saying this on tape - she hit me last night, for no reason apparently, at my friend’s house and I didn’t know she’d be there and she hit me; she hit me with a drink and poured it all over me and it hurts and it’s not okay. And I’m sorry for everyone that thinks I’m crazy. I’m not; I’m just trying to act.”

Splash News is also claiming:

Lindsay went on to call Paris ‘crazy,’ a ‘cokehead’ (pot calling the kettle black?) and dropping a c-bomb by calling her a ‘cunt.’

Wow, Lindsay really likes the word ‘cunt’ (she also used the word a few weeks ago). To be fair, in the hierarchy of trashy euphemisms for female genitals, ‘cunt’ is in a class of its own. It just has a certain edge to it………magically fast forward half a day………ta da!–Lindsay and Paris are friends again:

At 5 AM this morning, Paris’ publicist Elliot Mintz called one of our photographers to hurry down to the Beverly Hills Hotel, and boy were we ever happy to be woken up - when we got there, we found Paris, Lindsay, and Britney kicking it old-school! The trio laughed and giggled like old chums before piling into the front seat of Paris’ whip (jeez guys, way to make the recently-divorced mother of two ride bitch!) and peeling out into the night!


I’m getting sick of these little bitchy catfights between Hollywood whores socialites. She said this, she said that, I slept with so and so’s Grandfather because she stole my boyfriend…blah, blah, blah. You get the point–it’s getting old. You know what would really get my attention? If Lindsay took one of these fights to the next level and pulled out an assault rifle and just start spraying Paris and her friends with bullets. How badass would that be? Incidentally, I’d love it if Paris did the same thing but if she had a loaded assault weapon, she’d probably just throw it at Lindsay and then try to pull her hair. She’s dumb like that.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Heidi Klum Gives Birth to Baby Boy

Project Runway star, Heidi Klum, 33, gave birth to a baby boy on Wednesday. Her husband, singer, Seal, 43, posted the following message on his website:

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel
To our children, a brother

To our parents, a grandson

To my wife and I, a son

To our family, a blessing.

Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel was born on 11/22/06 at 17:01 weighing 8 lbs 11 ounces. He is healthy, beautiful and looks just like his mother.

Klum and her husband were married in May 2005. This is the couple's second child together. Klum's daughter, Leni, 2, is from a previous relationship. The couple also have a one-year-old son named Henry.

Nicole Richie transfers blame

Nicole Richie recently fired her personal stylist/close confidante of more than two years, Rachel Zoe. According to an insider, Nicole “wanted to surround herself with positive people and influences.” Nicole’s new inner circle consists of five people: three clowns and those two dwarves on the late-night infomercial who, despite all odds, managed to make so much money in real estate that they could afford a brand new 1999 Corvette:

“Nicole didn’t trust Rachel anymore,” a Richie pal says of the firing. “Zoe didn’t take the news well.” Zoe’s rep denies this, adding that the split was amicable.

Nicole’s problems aren’t her stylist’s fault, they’re her own. You don’t see me amputating my foot because I have an ear infection. If Nicole was really serious about changing her image, she’d start wearing a burqa. Maybe then I could tolerate looking at her.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

A Jolie-Pitt Thanksgiving in Vietnam



Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie celebrated Thanksgiving in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam. The pair were spotted checking out the city on a motorcycle before heading to the Temple Club restaurant for dinner. When asked by a reporter how he felt about navigating the city's busy streets, Pitt said, "There will be no problem. We had a wonderful day in Vietnam." Not all the locals were impressed, however. "I saw the pictures in the newspaper but still have no idea why the fuss about these Westerners," said a Hanoi construction worker. "But now maybe I will watch their movies to know why."

Jackass Number 2 is a waste of time & $$$


JackAss - number two TANKS

Sallie says "I snuck in...didn't pay and still wanted my money back! Only someone obsessed with penis could like this film."

Sharita says "You saw it? Who's the jackass now?"

Listen to the full review and let us know what you think.

***Remember America...they work for you!

Phoenix warned Depp to steer clear of an obsessive fan




On the 13th anniversary of friend River Phoenix’s death, Johnny Depp conducted a séance with the help of celebrity psychic Kenny Kingston (Phoenix died on Halloween night 1993 from a drug-induced heart failure outside the Viper Room club Depp once owned). According to Kingston, Phoenix warned Depp to steer clear of an obsessive fan.

“He fears for Johnny Depp. He said that Johnny must watch out for someone with a vicious temper. “He said, ‘Danger lies in the shadows.’ “I get the impression he was talking about an obsessed fan.”

Don’t you think the top executives at Disney are shitting their pants right now? Pretty much the only way ‘The Pirates of the Caribbean‘ franchise won’t continue to make ridiculous money for the next 20 years is if Depp starts pulling this Tom Cruise act. I wouldn’t be surprised if, the next time Depp shows up on set, someone jumps out the bushes with a blowgun and shoots him with a tranquilizing dart. They could probably squeeze another 50 million out of ‘Dead Man’s Chest‘ over the next few months if they just kept Depp in a room away from the influencing forces of celebrity psychics.

Tom Cruise shelled out $10,000 for a dinner



Tom Cruise reportedly shelled out $10,000 for a dinner at Mastro’s Steakhouse in Beverly Hills with his fiancée Katie Holmes. According to In Touch Weekly, Cruise shelled out the money for a private dining room usually reserved for parties of 15 or more:

Holmes is said to have barely touched her grilled sea bass, but Cruise chowed down on a whopping porterhouse steak, a Caesar salad and three side dishes: wasabi mashed potatoes, French fries and onion rings - and he topped it all off with a dessert of cheesecake and chocolate-covered strawberries. The pair were celebrating not only their impending wedding, but also Cruise’s new gig at United Artists.

Does anyone else find it weird reading about Tom Cruise doing normal things? Especially eating. I’ve always envisioned dinner with him being a strange combination of liquefied animal products and feeding tubes hooked into the lower back. And a waiter name Rick complaining to his boss about “the short guy that resembles Tom Cruise who keeps pinching me in the ass.”

Paul McCartney is a tough guy


In court documents filed by Heather Mills, she claims that estranged husband Paul McCartney was physically violent towards her, took drugs and stopped her from breastfeeding their baby during their marriage:

She says while in LA in November 2002, he grabbed her by the neck and pushed her over a coffee table. In May 2003 she claims he shoved her into a bath. In Aug 2005, he allegedly choked her after she accused him of smoking marijuana. In April 2006, the documents state, he tipped red wine over her; he then broke the wine glass and lunged at her with the sharp stem of the wine glass which cut Heather’s arm.

Damn Paul. Beating up your one-legged wife is usually reserved for rough and tumble guys with names like “John” and “Michael” not for music legends getting panties mailed to them on a routine basis. In all fairness, she probably had it coming. Just because your leg is made of titanium and costs more than my car doesn’t mean I don’t expect dinner to be on the table when I get home from my job at the factory. C’mon woman!

Friday, November 24, 2006

Lindsay Lohan got into a little car accident in London



Lindsay Lohan got into a little car accident in London on Tuesday. While coming home from a dinner at a Chinese restaurant, a police van ran a red light and collided with Lindsay’s Range Rover. However, Lindsay still found a way to satisfy her craving for vodka and penis:

…after a quick change of vehicles Lohan headed off to the Zigfrid bar in Shoreditch before an unsuccessful attempt to get into Boujis nightclub which had already closed. Whether as a last resort or not, Lindsay rounded off proceedings by picking up [Calem] Best from his home and taking him back to her hotel.

So this makes, what, three accidents she’s been involved in the past year? And yes I am blaming Lindsay for this accident even though the police van ran the red light and hit her. You try obeying traffic signals when you see someone driving around without pants.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes did NOT get legally married in Italy


Despite what you may have heard from every news outlet, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes did NOT get legally married in Italy:

A spokesman for the Church of Scientology for Rome, Fabrizio D’Agostino, said an exchange of vows with a Scientology rite was not legally recognized in Italy, and would have to be preceded or followed by a civil union. Bracciano Mayor Patrizia Riccioni said her office had not received a request to celebrate a civil wedding as of midday Friday.

While frantically waving an aluminum foil space shield above his head, another spokesman for the Church of Scientology stated:

“As is customary for couples marrying outside of the United States, Cruise and Holmes officialized their marriage in Los Angeles prior to their departure for Italy.”

What does he mean by “outside” of the United States? Correct me if I’m wrong, but there’s no possible way a Scientology wedding is recognized “inside” of the United States either, right? It’d be like me starting a religion called Felinetology where everyone marries their cat. Something tells me the IRS isn’t going to let Mittens and I file our taxes jointly (she always gets screwed by those damn capital gains taxes). Why would Scientology be any different?

Technorati Profile

Britney owns Vegas



Technorati Profile

Britney Spears is racking up thousands of frequent flier miles in the wake of her divorce announcement. After traveling to New York and Louisiana last week, Spears, along with former manager Larry Rudolph, hit Las Vegas this week:

Donning a disguise of a pink wig and big, dark sunglasses, Britney was spotted in the Palms Casino Resort Friday night chatting it up with owner George Maloof - this, after she and George went on a shopping trip to Caesars Palace’s Forum Shops. Britney also did pretty well at the tables, gambling at The Mint, the Palms’ high-limit lounge. There, Britney - wearing a short, black dress - caught a lucky streak, raking in $10,000 in winnings from blackjack. She also was introduced to Mario Lopez at The Mint. The two, along with a small group, then headed up to Moon Nightclub and partied the night away.

The only place a pink wig and big dark sunglasses passes for a disguise is the blind ward at the local children’s hospital. Anyways, I don’t think a disguise for Britney was really necessary. If you’re rolling through Vegas with heartthrobs like Mario Lopez, you could walk around dressed as a naked Adolf Hitler juggling dead babies and people wouldn’t pay attention to you. A.C. Slater tends to have that effect on people.

Paris Hilton and Britney Spears party in VegasBritney Spears and Paris Hilton party in Las VegasParis Hilton and Britney Spears party in Las VegasParis Hilton and Britney Spears party it up in Las Vegas

The article neglected to mention that Britney also went clubbing with Paris Hilton. Now if this laminated chart I have in my wallet is correct–and I have no reason to believe otherwise–the apocalypse is *just* about upon us.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Big Alley



Just before her appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show wearing nothing but a bikini, Kirstie Alley found time to dine with a few friends at a trendy L.A. restaurant. Mind you this wasn’t the old fatass grumpy Kirstie Alley–oh no my friends–it was the new sassy Kirstie Alley.

“Keep up the good work.” Kirstie flirted with young waiter: “You’re cute…do you have a girlfriend?” The star and Server Stud ping-ponged hot talk throughout dinner, then Kirstie upped the ante. Winking slyly at her entourage, she asked him archly: “What are the chances of you coming back to my house with me?” The waiter got red-faced and tongue-tied, then caught wise that Kirstie was goofing and responded: “That depends…do you have a daughter?” Good sport Kirstie cracked up - and the whole table high-fived the guy!

Is it possible that we could somehow surgically remove this waiter’s genitals. Would anybody really be against that? Perhaps we could donate them to someone more worthy. I’m sure there’s some deserving kid in Africa or something. I know he was probably angling for a better tip, but come on, flirting with Kirstie Alley is like selling your soul to the devil. It’s not something you ever get back.

Anna Nicole Smith has NOT paid the private medical examiner


Anna Nicole Smith has NOT paid the private medical examiner that performed an autopsy on her late son Daniel in the Bahamas. Though Cyril Wecht has contacted several attorneys, he doesn’t plan on suing Anna or her new husband Howard K Stern:

“I do expect it to be resolved in short order. This is not going to be something we’re dealing with years down the road.” Daniel Smith died aged 20 while visiting his mother in a Nassau hospital after the 38-year-old gave birth to his half-sister. Wecht said Daniel died of a combination of methadone and antidepressants. Results of an official autopsy and a police investigation have not been released. Wecht says he submitted invoices for payment shortly after her performed the autopsy on September 17. 2006. Wecht, a forensic pathologist from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania who gained fame as a consultant on celebrity cases including Elvis Presley’s death, declined to say how much he had charged Smith for his services.

Apparently Anna doesn’t understand how a market economy operates. In exchange for goods and/or services, you give said provider of goods and/or services compensation, usually in the form of money. She must have skipped grades 1-12 when they explained how this confusing system works.

Leonardo Dicaprio’s co-star was almost killed by a gunman in Africa


Djimon Hounsou, Leonardo Dicaprio’s co-star in the film Blood Diamond, was almost killed by a gunman in Africa. Luckily for Hounsou, Leo saved the day by jumping in front of the gunman, causing him to flee. Hounsou is sure that if Leo hadn’t acted so heroically, he surely would have been killed:

“He stood in the way of somebody who was trying to shoot me. We went to eat somewhere and apparently somebody was threatening to kill me there. Leo said, ‘Well, you’re gonna have to go through me.’” That was enough to make the gunman think twice and he fled the scene, leading a grateful Hounsou pouring praise on his pal. Modest DiCaprio has refused to even discuss the matter during promotional interviews for the new film. He will only talk about his great friendship with Hounsou He explains, “We became like brothers on this movie… We were together for six months.”

So this guy Djimon character wants us to believe that Leonardo Dicaprio jumped in front of a crazed gunman to save his life. And the gunman (i.e. the guy holding the gun) was so scared of Leo that he ran away. Mind you this occurred in Africa, where they routinely kill people for sport. Also keep in mind that Leo once uttered the faggish line “I’m King of the World!” while leaning off the front of a boat. So yeah, basically everyone’s lying.

Britney’s favorite thing about Thanksgiving is pie


In an attempt to win custody of his two children, Sean Preston and Jayden James, Kevin Federline is prepared to make some pretty sensational claims about Britney Spears. According to the Sun, K-Fed will claim that Britney is bisexual and “begged him for a threesome”:

A family source close to Federline said he was “prepared to reveal everything in court”. The insider added: “Britney has told him more than once she is sexually attracted to women and men equally. She has asked Kevin many times if they could have a threesome.” Federline is furious after Britney filed for divorce two weeks ago. The wannabe rapper - who is penning a tell-all book - will claim Britney is guilty of a string of mishaps involving Sean Preston.

Wow this legal strategy is down right bulletproof! I know this because last year I took a Learning Annex course titled “How baseless claims of homosexuality can help you win custody of your children.” It cost $59 but it was totally worth it. After the dispute is decided in K-Fed’s favor, I wouldn’t be surprised if the judge invites him back to his office for punch and cake. There’s only so many times in life you have the chance to sit down and pick the brain of a legal genius.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Santa Angelina's Suprise Visit!!!


Angelina Jolie has left the building (if just for a few days).

The actress and activist has made a surprise visit to Cambodia, government officials said Wednesday.

The country is the birthplace of her son, Maddox, and it is also where she is funding a nature conservation project.

And, in keeping with her humanitarian tendencies, Santa Angelina paid a visit to government officials to discuss a forest conservation project.

Jolie has promised up to $1.3 million over five years for a forest conservation program that was approved by the Cambodian government in 2003.

No word (yet) on whether or not Papa Pitt joined her on this mission.

But, we're pretty sue they will be spending Thanksgiving together, as one big happy family!

The Cruises!!!


A "charming" family portrait.

The Bush Curse



This has not been a good week for those close to U.S. President George W. Bush!

- First daughter Barbara Bush was robbed while vacationing in Argentina.

- A White House staffer was robbed AND BEATEN outside a nightclub in Hawaii.

- And, two motorcycles in Bush's motorcade were involved in a crash in Honolulu.

Barbra Streisand must be laughing her face off and jiggling all her belly fat around!!

Celebrities, before and after pregnant...








Zhang Ziyi wants to be wild girl


Zhang Ziyi is one of China's hottest movie stars and right now, could pick and choose any role she wanted in the world.

Hollywood producers are falling over themselves to entice the 27-year-old Beijing-born actress into a major US production.

What really interests Zhang Ziyi is playing a wild American girl.

"I'd like to play an American teen, a very modern, typical American girl with a very rebellious character. I don't smoke, I don't drink, but I want to play someone who is really absurd. I think that would be so cool," she told Time magazine.

After starring in Chinese director Feng Xiaogang's big-budget film "The Banquet," she is looking forward to the next film.

Zhang burst into the international film scene with her role in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" and is now hot property in Hollywood after a series of blockbuster films.

Zhang, 27, said her ultimate dream was to enjoy a simple family life and was even willing to give up acting for the "right person."

Are you kidding? Beckham to have "manly deep voice"



A voice coach will teach David Beckham how to project his flat "metrosexual" tones with more depth and volume, according to an American entertainment tycoon's plan, though yet to be completed.

Robert FX Sillerman, who has made a fortune exploiting the images of celebrities such as Elvis Presley and Muhammad Ali, is working on a strategy document known as Plan B -- to transform David Beckham into a Hollywood action star. 

Under the plan's recommendation, the 31-year-old star should go back to school and learn to act. A voice coach would teach him not only an American accent but also how to project his flat "metrosexual" tones with more depth and volume.

"If rappers like Ice Cube and wrestlers such as the Rock can be turned into action heroes, then a blond chap like Beckham should be a lot easier to market, especially with the ladies," said Sillerman Sunday.

"If Daniel Craig does not work out as 007, Beckham could be ready to step into his shoes, the next blond Bond," he joked. 

It will go into action if the former England football captain, who is reported to be frustrated at Real Madrid after spending much of this season on the bench, takes up a lucrative offer to play for the Los Angeles Galaxy club.

"Of course it's going to be difficult to find something like football to fill my life with. But when that moment comes I will be able to do many of the things I would love to do now but don't have the time to do," Beckham told a Spanish magazine when asked how he will cope when his football career ends.

So far, Beckham has appeared mainly in sports-related films and documentaries.

Pitt, Jolie shocked by Madonna's "personal attack"


The famous couple -- Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie -- have been left "shocked" by Madonna criticising their charity work.

The couple -- who are currently in India filming their latest movie A Mighty Heart, in which Angelina stars and Brad is producing -- are prepareing to build an orphanage in India.

The 48-year-old pop superstar said: "I'm not interested in going in there like an idiot and going, 'OK, I'm going to build ten orphanages and I'll see you guys later.'"

A source told Britain's Star magazine: "Angelina is shocked. She can't believe it. She was like, 'Where did that come from?' It seemed like a personal attack."

As well as criticising Brad and Angelina's work with orphanages, Madonna -- who has sparked controversy after adopting a Malawian baby called David -- also trivialised Angelina's role as a UN Goodwill Ambassador.

"I could have joined the UN and become an ambassador, visited various countries and just showed up and smiled and looked concerned. But that's not getting to the root of the problem. And neither is building orphan care centres."

A Battle of Wits premieres in HK


Actor Andy Lau (L) from China's Hong Kong and actress Fan Bingbing (R) from mainland China attend the premiere ceremony of their latest movie "A Battle of Wits" in Hong Kong, south China, Nov. 20, 2006. The movie is going to be on in China and Southeast Asia on November 23.

Zhang Ziyi ranked top 10 by Wall Street Journal


Wall Street Journal released its "Top 10 Remarkable Women In Asian Business Circles" on Tuesday. Most are Chinese, including actress Zhang Ziyi.

The newspaper commented that although Zhang Ziyi is not a typical business leader, she has great influence on the entertainment industry.

Other remarkable women on the list included Zhou Kaixuan from the Li Ka-shing Foundation, Hu Shuli, editor-in-chief of Beijing-based Caijing Magazine, and Li Yifei, chief representative of Viacom China.

Wall Street Journal also announced the "Top 50 Remarkable Women In World Business Circles" yesterday. Lenovo Chief Financial Officer Ma Xuezheng and Morgan Stanley China CEO Sun Wei were among the 50 on the list.

Wait…Ricky Martin’s still alive?!?



Ricky Martin is having fantasies about how he used to be famous. During one recent interview, Martin explained how he refuses to let his private life dominate the tabloids, out of fear those closest to him (*cough*hisboyfriend*cough*) will suffer:

He explains, “My mother always said, ‘Protect your own. Son, in this life you can do anything, but do it well. Don’t be compulsive or obsessive, and protect your own.’ I might be in the spotlight but I don’t want that to affect the people I’m with. They are my people and I keep them for myself. Protecting my privacy is something instinctive with me.”

Ricky Martin is worrying about the spotlight. Ricky Martin is worrying about the spotlight. Sorry, I had to write that twice to really emphasize how ridiculous that is. Umm, this is 2006 and not 1999, right? The only thing missing from this article is Ricky’s opinion on this year’s Grammys. Personally I like Lauryn Hill for “Best New Artist” although Natalie Imbruglia has been getting a lot of airtime lately.

Ricky worrying about the pressures of stardom is like me worrying where I’m going to store my collection of gold-plated Ferraris over the winter. Oh, that’s right, I don’t have any.

Paris is insatiable


Though they supposedly ended their long-standing feud a few weeks ago, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are quickly becoming enemies again. The first clue was when Lindsay was caught by paparazzi calling Paris a ‘cunt’ last week. Further hurting their relationship is the fact that Paris is reportedly “hot to trot” for Hard Rock heir Harry Morton, Lindsay’s ex. According to Life & Style Weekly, Lohan “hit the roof” after Morton slept over at Hilton’s place on Nov. 7:

Lohan confronted her nemesis the next night at the L.A. club Teddy’s, reports Life & Style, which quotes a friend as saying that although the two are not currently dating, “Lindsay still loves Harry, and this is devastating her.” Hilton is said to be smitten. “Harry is Paris’s type of guy,” says a source. “He’s handsome and rich!” But Lohan might be getting in a tizzy for nothing, according to a “pal” of Morton, who says he’s not really into Paris.

Not sure why this is news. You could dress up a space heater and, as long as you gave it a couple of sprays of CK1, Paris would be “hot to trot” for it. That doesn’t mean it should make the news.

Note: I love how they call Harry “Paris’s type of guy”…wouldn’t it have been easier to just say he has a pulse, a penis, and his driver’s license?

That dull rumble you hear is Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan frantically dialing their doctors


I used to think the only people that caught liver disease at age 27 had last names like ‘Anheuser’ and ‘Coors’. Well, according to Rod Stewart, his 27-year-old daughter Kimberly has “liver disease due to too much heavy boozing.” He has to be wrong about this, right? Doesn’t liver disease require at least 20 years of heavy drinking? According to my calculations……lemme see here…..Kimberly is 27 years old……carry the 1……etc, etc,…..Kimberly would have had to start drinking at like 2 years old. The only way that happened is if her parents gave her a wine cooler to settler her nerves before the first day of school. Or maybe if they told her about the legend of the Captain Morgan’s fairy who leaves little girls a special surprise for a lost tooth.

I had my money on Kimberly catching tetanus.

Michael Jackson continues to hang out with children


Even though Michael Jackson sang just a few words at Wednesday night’s World Music Awards, his concert rider was supposedly one of the most expensive ever. According to the London Mirror, Jacko’s set of demands cost WMA producers more than $470,000:

Jackson was given a private jet and 20 first-class and business-class plane tickets for his entourage - as well as an entire five-star hotel for almost $100,000 a night. Jackson had 30 children in tow, and reportedly had a wall knocked down between two hotel suites for a playroom for the kiddies. “Yes, it’s eccentric but he wants to create a homey environment for them,” a source told the paper.

Ummm, I can’t really focus on the rider when I’m reading an article about Michael Jackson and see this line: “Jackson had 30 children in tow.” WTF? What kind of parents are still letting their children hang out with Michael Jackson? That’s like inviting Jeffrey Dahmer over for a dinner party and then welding your door shut. I feel like someone should be investigating this.

Madonna is from the future


Why the future? Because the future is the only place where you don’t get made fun of–and possibly beaten–for wearing such a ridiculous jacket. Christ, she looks like a damn armadillo, like if a group of paparazzi suddenly confronted her on the street, she’d simply roll up into her jacket until they all tired out and went home.

George Clooney is sexy again


People Magazine’s editors are pretty unoriginal as they named George Clooney the “Sexiest Man Alive” for 2006–Clooney previously won the award in 1997. According to Cynthia Sanz, a member of the magazine’s editorial panel, Clooney was chosen for a combination of factors:

“His big movies came out at the end of last year, he has been active in the campaign to help people in Darfur, obviously he’s great looking — we just thought he was the total package this year.”

Damn, what an ego boost that award must be–not unlike the feeling I had after winning “Most Likely to Get a Full Time Job” in High School. If I won this, I think I would legally change my name to ‘Sexiest Man Alive’. I’d go out to dinner and the maitre de would be like “Sexiest Man Alive, your table for two is ready’” and then everyone’s head would turn and I’d just smile, my teeth reflecting a hint of the moonlight. I’d probably have to hire an assistant to collect the panties thrown at me.

Katie Holmes buys stuff


Before her trip to Italy for her upcoming wedding, Katie Holmes dropped more than $3,000 on frilly things at Le Bra Lingerie in West Hollywood. Among her purchases:

* $1,190 Chantilly lace bridal collection set, which includes a bra, thong, garter belt, and silk stockings
* $850 two sets of silk pajamas and matching robes
* $620 silk nightgown with a matching robe trimmed with ostrich feathers
* $380 lace bra with Swarovski crystals for $380
* $175 matching thong with Swarovski crystals for $175

“They weren’t all white ? and they certainly weren’t virginal,” says the source. “But she’s a mom, so I guess that’s appropriate.”

Katie buying all this lingerie reminds me of the old saying: you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Because you can buy all the expensive lingerie you want, but it still won’t give Tom a chubby. Not when there’s four hour show about ‘Men in Uniform’ on The History Channel. Now before all you Tom Cruise fans get your panties in a bunch, I’m not trying to imply that Tom is gay or anything, I’m just saying he’s not heterosexual.

Your euphemisms do not fool me!


After the birth of Suri Cruise, Katie Holmes turned to Victoria Beckham to help her lose some of the baby weight, but it seems Beckham’s “dietary rules” eventually became too much to handle.

A spy said, “Victoria maintains her tiny frame because she only permits herself to snack - not eat - on edamame, pretzels and occasionally sushi.” Beckham also is a Diet Coke fanatic and told pals she hasn’t drunk water in years because she “hates the taste.”

‘Dietary rules’ sounds so much better than ‘eating disorder’. Watch:

“Though Kate Bosworth was desperately hungry, she knew her ‘dietary rules’ prevented her from eating more than 200 calories a day.”

“As the janitor cleaned up the last of the vomit lining the toilet, he knew he’d had just about enough of Nicole Richie and her strict ‘dietary rules’.”

Rachel Weisz hurts unborn babies!!!



Rachel Weisz is embroiled in controversy after claiming it’s “fine” to drink wine while pregnant, especially since “European women” do it all the time. Weisz, who gave birth to her first child Henry Chance earlier in the year, doesn’t say if she drank while expecting, though I think her son’s webbed feet and inability to even finish HALF of a New York Times crossword puzzle are a big clue. Predictably, medical experts have dismissed her comments as “ill-informed” and “dangerous“. Dr. Raja Mukherjee from a hospital somewhere fires back:

“If Rachel Weisz has drunk during her pregnancy and the baby is fine, then that’s just pure luck. The problem is that you don’t know who is at risk and who is not. There is a risk throughout pregnancy. There is potential harm to the unborn baby’s brain at any point and that is fact.”

You know that guy is a good doctor because his last name has like nine vowels. Seriously, when have you ever seen a doctor with the name ‘Tom Smith’ or ‘Chuck Jones’? Never, my friend, never.

I think Rachel may be on to something here. My Mom mainlined heroine on a pretty routine basis during her pregnancy and I turned out fine. Oh sure, sometimes I lose control of my bowels, but that’s just part of my game, baby!